Take Control of Your Life
Reduce stress by taking your life back.
The key to reducing stress is gaining control over your environment. It may still be a crappy environment BUT if you feel you have control over the situation you will not be stressed. If you are too stressed to think about taking your life back start with these stress busters.
People who feel in control are better able to solve their challenges and resolve stress. A study of 1,766 women and men found that if you perceive you are in control, you are 61-65% more likely to resolve your stressors that day (Witzel et al. 2025).
So how to get control over your life?
Job you hate? Task you don't want to do? Person you cannot stand to be around at work?
Reframe it and define your choices. Look at the pros and cons of your situation. Take control of it and own it.
If you choose to stay with a job you hate because you do not have another job, or you really like to eat, or you don't want to live in a cardboard box, it is a choice.
You can choose to do a task or not. Don't do laundry and wear dirty clothes? That is your choice.
If you hate Pat but have to work with them you have a choice. You can get a new job to avoid Pat, you can kill Pat with kindness at work, you can grey rock Pat, you can choose to be ultra professional when interacting with Pat, or you can go full on office saboteur.
You always have a choice. You choose to do it. Take back your right to choose.
Once you own your choice you can think about getting out of it IF you want to do so.
- What is your plan to improve your life? It is OK if you don't have one too! As long as it is your choice.
- Will you get additional training or education to change jobs?
- Will you commit to applying to new jobs each week?
- Will you move to a new place for a job or to live? Sometime it isn't us, it is where we live! Some places just stink. Maybe you live in a city and want to get the benefits of nature.
- Can you go low or no contact with people who are toxic to you? Who cares if they are related.
- Do you want to leave a toxic church or cult?
- Would you rather live in your car than work one more day at a job you hate?
- Can you start that You Tube channel, blog, or podcast about your situation you have always wanted to do?
- Will you go to rehab for an addiction? Can you go cold turkey? Do you want to quit smoking or vaping?
- Will you ask for help to get out of a bad or abusive situation? Never be ashamed to ask for help if you need it.
- Do you know your financial situation? Take a look so you know what is happening.
- Where is your money going? Can you learn to manage your money without being overwhelmed?
- Can you make a plan?
Can't make a choice? Start with small decisions and choices and work your way up.
Take inventory. Make a realistic plan.
Don't be upset if you slip. You are only human.
Whether your plan is to go to the moon or to own some great dogs you can make it happen. NASA astronaut Leland D. Melvin poses with his dogs Jake and Scout.
Everyone has choices
I, Susan, did not come from a privileged background. I am mentioning this to let you know that I do know what it is like to have to make hard choices, wear old shoes and not have enough money to eat.
I'm not going to tell you to forsake avocado toast and morning coffee while working four jobs to save money. I am letting you know that you can make choices even if you are living in hardship right now.
Every choice you make or don't make has downstream ramifications.
Stressed? Do you go for a walk or light up a smoke?
Depressed? Do you learn self-care or stay in bed all day ordering from door dash?
Living paycheck to paycheck? Do you ignore your bank account or sit down to see where your money is going?
My recommendations for success are:
1) teach yourself emotional regulation and
2) learn financial management; this is the key to escaping a bad mindset and a dysfunctional background.
A commonality in dysfunctional backgrounds is poor financial management, poor risk assessment, and crab in the pot mentality where your friends and relatives try to pull you back to their level if it looks like you are escaping poverty. Learning to combat those lessons can help your life.
And for goodness sake, quit letting other people suck your time, money and self respect from you. You are worthy of being happy. You are worthy of drawing boundaries. There are free ways to help yourself.
Consider gearing up your creative side. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself make art and music! It is totally avant-garde to make art from recycled items and it will improve your health as well!
Free Advice
Don't pay attention to advice from rich people cosplaying as how they perceive poor people, good old boys, homies or rednecks. I've noticed this trend of people with trust funds and Ivy League schooling misrepresenting themselves as from the wrong side of the tracks. Politicians and You Tube influencers I'm looking at you!
What's worse is that they try to disparage other people from from doing what they and their families do. There is nothing more backhanded than a person who went to Harvard trying to say that 'the masses' don't need an education.
Usually it is done to stir up trouble and to try to divide people in the working class. As a non-snobby member of the working class and an educated person (I consider myself an educated redneck), it makes me mad when these whiny trust fund babies call educated people elites or out of touch.
People who have succeeded from hardship should not be villianized. I want everyone of you to succeed at life; no matter what it looks like for you.
Killing someone with kindness means responding to hostility with authentic kindness and respect.
It can work well. You need to gauge the situation though; it depends on your innate personality and the personality of person you are trying this technique on. It does not mean being a pushover.
You need to have a strong sense of self and not take mean/angry people personally. One of my relatives has an almost perfect record of flipping people from grumpy to friends using this technique. She is a very secure person who enjoys a challenge.
Possible reactions to this technique:
Reaction #1: You respond with authentic kindness and respect. You repeat the person's words back to them so they know they are heard. This can cause the other person to feel guilty and respond civility to you in turn. It may lead to you gaining a new ally. It works very well in customer service.
Reaction #2: You respond in a reasonable fashion and they are still a raging jerk. This can cause bystanders to look on you as the more reasonable person. This can cause you to gain status.
Reaction #3: You respond with kindness and come off as a doormat or subservient. The other person thinks you are weak and attempts to bully you. In this case, switch strategies. Grey rocking or holding strong boundaries may work better for you.
By the way, killing someone with kindness does not mean doing their job or agreeing with them. You maintain your boundaries.
It is ok to kill yourself with kindness as well!
Ways to hold people accountable for rudeness or prying questions:
1) Look the person in the face while asking them mildly to explain in detail their off-color joke, racist or sexist comment or personal question. Act like you don't understand it.
2) Say "what an odd/weird thing to say/remark on" or "why would you say that?" when people ask intrusive or rude questions.
3) If you are southern feel free to say "bless your heart".
4) Answer them with a general, funny or snarky comment. "My NDA doesn't allow me to answer that." "My scar was from a rabid squirrel."
5) Totally ignore the question.
If you have toxic people in your life many people recommend the book Why does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (link to free pdf). It was written about abusive men but applies to any abusive person.
Bless Your Ever Loving Little Heart c1911 photo of Elsie Janis.
Grey rock is a psychological technique where you act extremely boring, uninteresting and unresponsive to deflect or minimize negative attention from abusive, toxic or narcissistic people.
August Heyn - Bored with lesson 1850's.
This makes interacting with you unrewarding.
It may help protect you from people who are playing emotional, psychological, harmful or toxic games.
Keep conversations short, factual and boring. Do you love talking about small changes in the weather? This is when to bring up the upcoming cold front.
Develop a bland and boring hobby to mention if pressed. Do you collect bottle caps or rocks? Did you just acquire a new one? Describe it in detail (using a monotone voice). The point is to make your description of the hobby as dry as possible (no shade on rock or bottle cap collectors).
Don't share any personal information.
Use limited eye contact and emotional expression. Be Spock. Seriously, channel your inner Vulcan.
Warning: when you first start to grey rock your abuser may get frustrated, confused and angry. they may try different approaches to draw you back into engaging with the, These can include:
- Making or creating a crisis
- Escalating their poor behavior
- Being nice to you to fool you into letting your guard down with them
Whatever you choose make sure to stay safe.
By Susan Fluegel PHD Nutritional Biochemistry
* People and their stories are real, but their names and some small identifying details are changed.
This information in this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
References:
Witzel DD, Cerino ES, Stawski RS, Porter G, Black AD, Livingston RA, Rush J, Mogle J, Charles ST, Piazza JR, Almeida DM. Daily association between perceived conbad behaviortrol and resolution of daily stressors strengthens across a decade of adulthood. Commun Psychol. 2025 Aug 27;3(1):130. doi: 10.1038/s44271-025-00313-7. Full article.